The day before the worst day of my life, I wasn't feeling good in the morning, had a tickle in my throat and was feeling tired, but I went to Costco to pick up a few things while Dachuny was napping. When I got home, I felt worse, and eventually I decided to take a nap on the sofa with him. After some time, I was woken up by him (this happened a lot, I would listen for him when he woke up so that I could bring him to his pee pad area as he wasn't able to hold it in for long upon waking, and I didn't want him to have an accident) and I quickly scooped him up and brought him to the pad. He peed right away a long stream, then I started backing away out of the room, but when I looked back at him, I saw him topple over to the left, like a stuffed animal with all his legs were just frozen in the air.
I ran to him and picked him up, and he started barking right away. I tried to stand him up, but his back legs collapsed under him, so I picked him up and held him in my arms. He kept vocalizing and I brought him over to the sofa again. There was clearly something wrong. My mind raced, and I looked at his tongue and gums. They were very pale, so I asked Ron to get his oxygen canister and I put it over his muzzle. He continued to vocalize, but I kept it over his face for about 15 minutes. There was only a small improvement in the colour of his gums this time (not like in Toronto, where there was more immediate improvement after 15 minutes). He was still moaning/barking at this point, and I remembered I had pain meds so I gave him a dose of gabapentin via syringe. After a few minutes, he quieted down, but his breathing wasn't smooth. I texted his acupuncture vet asking her if there was any way she could come by to take a look at him, and I briefly described what had happened and sent her a video of his vocalization. I picked him up and held him, and took a video of him as he was laying on my chest. When I look back at the video, I realize he reminds me of how Harley looked when she was nearing the end of her life.
The vet recommended I take him to the ER but I was adamant that I didn't want to do this, that I had a feeling this was possibly when I would have to make the terrible decision to put him down, but I needed her to come take a look at him and help me with this if it came to that. She came by after her work ended and examined him. At this point, he was calmer, no longer vocalizing, but his breathing was still showing he wasn't comfortable (his stomach trembled with each breath). She guessed that he might have days left, but that we shouldn't rush to a decision bc it couldn't be taken back. She gave us a few minutes while we decided what to do. Because we didn't know what to do, we decided to watch him overnight, and text her in the morning with how he was doing.
After she left, I gave him some roasted chicken and apple slices and he ate them. His appetite was getting worse leading up to this day and he had barely eaten during the day. I brought him to bed, but he didn't settle to sleep until 10:30pm, which is unusual. Usually he'd be sleeping by 8pm and more than ready to go to bed by 9pm.
I recorded him breathing on my phone voice memo app as he slept, and tried not to disturb him too much, though I longed to just keep petting his soft fur and gathering him close to me. I woke him up 3 times in the middle of the night to take him to his pee pad; the first time he didn't go, but the 2nd time he did. But his back legs gave out again each time and I had to prop him up to help him go. The 3rd time was early in the morning, and still, his back legs didn't have any strength. Ron had slept on the sofa so that we could have more space on the bed and he noticed that Dachuny couldn't seem to see. I didn't notice until he pointed it out bc I was carrying him everywhere, but he would walk into the air filter that was in the room, or the wall. So I picked him up and brought him back to bed. He would go back to sleep right away, he seemed so tired.
The vet texted me a few minutes earlier, she was thinking about him overnight (I'm so grateful for her I can't even express how much). I told her how he did, and she said that his legs not having strength wasn't a good sign. So after talking it over with Ron with tears in our eyes, we asked her to come over to help him pass peacefully. While we waited, I took Dachuny out to poop in the front yard, as he usually had to right after waking up. He just circled and circled and circled, until I eventually just picked him up and brought him back inside.
Ron helped me set up a comfortable spot in the corner of our sofa where he frequently played, and dug his face behind the pillows. And I wrapped him in his blanket and held him until she came over. When her car pulled up to the driveway, I felt a wave of unbearable grief come up as this was the end now approaching. She came in and got set up, the whole time I was still holding Dachuny in my arms. She shaved a bit of fur on his left arm, and then she got the sedative needle ready. She warned me that it would be an intramuscular injection into his leg that would hurt, but just for a moment.
He had been so used to her coming to give him acupuncture that when she came over it wasn't scary or new. This is such a relief to me knowing this. When she injected him though, he stood up, turned and looked at her as if to say "Hey! That hurt!". Then he laid back on my chest and the sedative quickly started working. Ron noticed he pooped, and the vet explained that the sedative relaxed his muscles so it's normal for it to happen. She noticed that he hadn't eaten much, from the small amount that came out. We cleaned him up a little bit, changing the pee pad underneath him to a clean one.
I noticed he started having a bit of tremors and the vet said he was having a reaction to the sedative. In my mind I wanted her to hurry up with the second injection so that he wasn't suffering. I kept looking at his face and kissing his soft fur, the space on his forehead between his eyes where my chin fit perfectly for kisses. She got him ready for the final injection and warned me that he might give a big exhale, but he didn't. I didn't even notice the moment his life left him it was so gentle and I was staring at him the whole time. She checked his heart and said it wasn't fully stopped yet. Then checked a few seconds later, and then gave me a nod.
As tears rolled down my cheeks I looked into his eyes, and saw that he was gone, but it felt like he was still there. Since he was on my chest, and he was moving up and down with my breathing it still felt like he was there.
Eventually I had to pick him up and place him in her blanket that she brought, so that she could take him with her for the cremation service to pick him up eventually. Ron told me later that he noticed she gingerly fixed his ear that had flipped back, and then tucked the one he was laying on so that he would be more comfortable. That's something that touches me to this day, that she took such care with him, even after he was gone. I wanted to carry him to her car so she placed his bundled form in my arms. She had to remind me to support his head, and just in time as he started sinking into the blanket, and his little head had no support, and I realized how strong his neck was before bc even at his weakest, he was always able to hold his head up.
We carried him out to her car and she carefully placed his bundled form in the back seat and put the seatbelt around him to secure him. Then we all hugged and she took him away.
This was the worst day of my life, and I can still see each part of this last 12 hours of his life vividly in my mind. I often kick myself and wonder if I picked him up too fast from the sofa that day before, which caused the drop in his blood pressure and then his collapse. Then I remember his appetite was getting worse and worse over the last two months, bit by bit, and he had lost so much weight.
After all of this played in my mind over and over, and recounting the events to Chat, all of his symptoms he was experiencing after the collapse, the vocalizing, sudden blindness, circling but not being able to poop in the final morning...they were all signs that it was time and his body wasn't going to recover this time. We have some peace knowing that, even though we are so heartbroken.
This was that fateful evening:
And that dreadful morning: (all of these were taken before he passed - we didn't want any pictures of him after he was gone)
Rest well my sweet sweet beloved boy, our best boy. We love and miss you so very very much. 💔
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