Grief therapy

As part of my grief therapy, I've been encouraged to write down the details of what happened at the end of Dachuny's life, to help me process it and not have it sticking at the forefront of my mind, (rather than all the other happy memories from his years of life). So here goes...

The day before the worst day of my life, I wasn't feeling good in the morning, had a tickle in my throat and was feeling tired, but I went to Costco to pick up a few things while Dachuny was napping.  When I got home, I felt worse, and eventually I decided to take a nap on the sofa with him.  After some time, I was woken up by him (this happened a lot, I would listen for him when he woke up so that I could bring him to his pee pad area as he wasn't able to hold it in for long upon waking, and I didn't want him to have an accident) and I quickly scooped him up and brought him to the pad.  He peed right away a long stream, then I started backing away out of the room, but when I looked back at him, I saw him topple over to the left, like a stuffed animal with all his legs were just frozen in the air.  

I ran to him and picked him up, and he started barking right away.  I tried to stand him up, but his back legs collapsed under him, so I picked him up and held him in my arms.  He kept vocalizing and I brought him over to the sofa again.  There was clearly something wrong.  My mind raced, and I looked at his tongue and gums. They were very pale, so I asked Ron to get his oxygen canister and I put it over his muzzle.  He continued to vocalize, but I kept it over his face for about 15 minutes.  There was only a small improvement in the colour of his gums this time (not like in Toronto, where there was more immediate improvement after 15 minutes).  He was still moaning/barking at this point, and I remembered I had pain meds so I gave him a dose of gabapentin via syringe.  After a few minutes, he quieted down, but his breathing wasn't smooth.  I texted his acupuncture vet asking her if there was any way she could come by to take a look at him, and I briefly described what had happened and sent her a video of his vocalization.  I picked him up and held him, and took a video of him as he was laying on my chest.  When I look back at the video, I realize he reminds me of how Harley looked when she was nearing the end of her life.  

The vet recommended I take him to the ER but I was adamant that I didn't want to do this, that I had a feeling this was possibly when I would have to make the terrible decision to put him down, but I needed her to come take a look at him and help me with this if it came to that.   She came by after her work ended and examined him.  At this point, he was calmer, no longer vocalizing, but his breathing was still  showing he wasn't comfortable (his stomach trembled with each breath).  She guessed that he might have days left, but that we shouldn't rush to a decision bc it couldn't be taken back.  She gave us a few minutes while we decided what to do.  Because we didn't know what to do, we decided to watch him overnight, and text her in the morning with how he was doing.  

After she left, I gave him some roasted chicken and apple slices and he ate them. His appetite was getting worse leading up to this day and he had barely eaten during the day.  I brought him to bed, but he didn't settle to sleep until 10:30pm, which is unusual.   Usually he'd be sleeping by 8pm and more than ready to go to bed by 9pm.

I recorded him breathing on my phone voice memo app as he slept, and tried not to disturb him too much, though I longed to just keep petting his soft fur and gathering him close to me.  I woke him up 3 times in the middle of the night to take him to his pee pad; the first time he didn't go, but the 2nd time he did.  But his back legs gave out again each time and I had to prop him up to help him go. The 3rd time was early in the morning, and still, his back legs didn't have any strength.  Ron had slept on the sofa so that we could have more space on the bed and he noticed that Dachuny couldn't seem to see.  I didn't notice until he pointed it out bc I was carrying him everywhere, but he would walk into the air filter that was in the room, or the wall.  So I picked him up and brought him back to bed.  He would go back to sleep right away, he seemed so tired.  

The vet texted me a few minutes earlier, she was thinking about him overnight (I'm so grateful for her I can't even express how much).  I told her how he did, and she said that his legs not having strength wasn't a good sign.  So after talking it over with Ron with tears in our eyes, we asked her to come over to help him pass peacefully.  While we waited, I took Dachuny out to poop in the front yard, as he usually had to right after waking up.  He just circled and circled and circled, until I eventually just picked him up and brought him back inside. 

Ron helped me set up a comfortable spot in the corner of our sofa where he frequently played, and dug his face behind the pillows.  And I wrapped him in his blanket and held him until she came over.  When her car pulled up to the driveway, I felt a wave of  unbearable grief come up as this was the end now approaching.  She came in and got set up, the whole time I was still holding Dachuny in my arms.  She shaved a bit of fur on his left arm, and then she got the sedative needle ready.  She warned me that it would be an intramuscular injection into his leg that would hurt, but just for a moment.  

He had been so used to her coming to give him acupuncture that when she came over it wasn't scary or new.  This is such a relief to me knowing this.  When she injected him though, he stood up, turned and looked at her as if to say "Hey! That hurt!".  Then he laid back on my chest and the sedative quickly started working.  Ron noticed he pooped, and the vet explained that the sedative relaxed his muscles so it's normal for it to happen.  She noticed that he hadn't eaten much, from the small amount that came out.  We cleaned him up a little bit, changing the pee pad underneath him to a clean one.  

I noticed he started having a bit of tremors and the vet said he was having a reaction to the sedative.  In my mind I wanted her to hurry up with the second injection so that he wasn't suffering.  I kept looking at his face and kissing his soft fur, the space on his forehead between his eyes where my chin fit perfectly for kisses.  She got him ready for the final injection and warned me that he might give a big exhale, but he didn't.  I didn't even notice the moment his life left him it was so gentle and I was staring at him the whole time.  She checked his heart and said it wasn't fully stopped yet.  Then checked a few seconds later, and then gave me a nod. 

As tears rolled down my cheeks I looked into his eyes, and saw that he was gone, but it felt like he was still there.  Since he was on my chest, and he was moving up and down with my breathing it still felt like he was there.  

Eventually I had to pick him up and place him in her blanket that she brought, so that she could take him with her for the cremation service to pick him up eventually.  Ron told me later that he noticed she gingerly fixed his ear that had flipped back, and then tucked the one he was laying on so that he would be more comfortable.  That's something that touches me to this day, that she took such care with him, even after he was gone.  I wanted to carry him to her car so she placed his bundled form in my arms.  She had to remind me to support his head, and just in time as he started sinking into the blanket, and his little head had no support, and I realized how strong his neck was before bc even at his weakest, he was always able to hold his head up.  

We carried him out to her car and she carefully placed his bundled form in the back seat and put the seatbelt around him to secure him.  Then we all hugged and she took him away.

This was the worst day of my life, and I can still see each part of this last 12 hours of his life vividly in my mind.  I often kick myself and wonder if I picked him up too fast from the sofa that day before, which caused the drop in his blood pressure and then his collapse.  Then I remember his appetite was getting worse and worse over the last two months, bit by bit, and he had lost so much weight.  

After all of this played in my mind over and over, and recounting the events to Chat, all of his symptoms he was experiencing after the collapse, the vocalizing, sudden blindness, circling but not being able to poop in the final morning...they were all signs that it was time and his body wasn't going to recover this time.  We have some peace knowing that, even though we are so heartbroken.

This was that fateful evening:

And that dreadful morning: (all of these were taken before he passed - we didn't want any pictures of him after he was gone)

Rest well my sweet sweet beloved boy, our best boy.  We love and miss you so very very much. 💔

Goodbye Dachuny

💔💔💔 

We said goodbye to our sweet sweet boy a week ago.  I don't want to get into the details of what happened exactly, as it's not something that will ever not be painful to remember.  But he passed in my arms, in the corner of the sofa where he frequently played and napped, with no fear and no pain.  He was just 3 days shy of turning 15 years and 9 months old.  

Grief has been intense for both of us; we call them Dachuny waves. They come in different sizes, from ripples to big waves, but as the days go by, the intensity and frequency has gone down, though there's a constant level of sadness and emptiness that accompanies us (like Eeyore's rain cloud).  

It's been interesting to notice how my body is reacting to the grief.  Chest tightness hasn't gone away since he passed, and I find it hard to draw a full breath a lot.  The only thing that temporarily eases it, is watching videos of him, vibrant and healthy.  

Half the time, I don't think my brain has fully processed that I won't see him again, but I think as each day goes by, the reality of his loss is sinking in.  

He came into my dreams twice, on the 2nd and 3rd day after he passed.  It wasn't a quality time spent visit, he was just there, or I was taking care of him as usual.  But I didn't get to hold him and cuddle him, or bury my face in his fur, in the dream.  I'm hoping that one of those will come up one day.  

We miss and love him so much.  Our hearts have a Dachuny shaped hole in them 💔  He was such a good boy.  Our best boy.  We will love and miss him for the rest of our lives.

Here is his memorial page: https://www.animalmemorialservice.com/memorial/dachuny/

Some recent pictures from the last couple of weeks before we said goodbye until that very sad morning.

Flowers for Dachuny from very dear friends.

Labs comparison

7/21

7/25

7/25 labs

7/21 labs and Xray findings

 

This was just today, with him wanting to get up to his bed.  Feeling better enough to stand on his back legs, after eating heartily, alert to be super anxious at the vet this morning. 

My dad LOVES him, and is so sweet with him.  He found a sweet spot behind his ears that Dachuny likes massaged.

Some noticeable things while being here - Dachuny's cough has been pretty non-existent, except for one car ride before he had his crisis.  I think the humidity helps his cough - note to buy a humidifier at home.

 

7/28

The last two days saw steady improvement still.  Today he got 70ml of fluids, and I took home supplies to give him every other day starting Wednesday.  His appetite was the best today, he ate hungrily and pooped a lot in the morning (yesterday was a good eating day - best at dinner) 

He also has to be on a kidney support diet now, with low phosphorus and controlled protein.  Thank God I brought some of his Darwin's kidney support.

Here is the beautiful pep in his step I had been missing

7/24 -7/25 - 7/26 (Thursday - Saturday)

The next couple of days saw steady improvement, in his appetite, alertness, energy.  He wasn't running around or anything, but on one occasion coming back from a bathroom break outside, I definitely noticed a pep in his step I was really missing.  He was giving licks again, and digging in his bed, and licking his paws.  His poops were normal (though very little in volume due to not eating much).  But these next couple of days, he started eating more.  And his pink tongue and gums came back, along with warm paws. (38.1 as of 7/25).

I didn't give him another subq fluid but did get repeat blood tests done.  His Urea/BUN improved but was still high, and the other two kidney values crept up a bit (still high) but his ALT was back to normal!  So the vet said he has kidney issues (and further research confirms he is stage 2 kidney failure) and recommended subq fluids at home, to be given every other day.  I'd pick up the supplies on Monday. 

Belly bruise slowly healing

licking off his plate of Japanese sweet potatoes - his absolute favourite (thanks to a dear friend for bringing them over when I couldn't find them at a local market!)

7/22-7/23

His 8 month birthday was today, and he was feeling better than the day before.  I took him into the local vet again in the morning for more suqb fluids and also got antibiotics (metronadizole and Advanced GI paste) for his diarrhea, along with anti-nausea medication (cerenia). 

After starting the meds, his diarrhea stopped and he seemed to be feeling better.  His tongue was really dark pink, almost red in the morning though, and I was worried he had a fever. (his temp was higher though, but just barely normal) But he really didn't want to eat anything that I was making him, and hated his own food even more.  We couldn't confirm a diagnosis, but acute pancreatitis was suspected, along with kidney issues flaring up.  His labs from the previous day showed all 3 kidney values elevated, as well as ALP and ALT elevated, and xrays showed a bit of fluid in his abdomen.  But this morning's vet visit, the vet said his stomach wasn't as stiff and he didn't seem to be in as much pain.  

The biggest problem was it was really challenging to get him to eat anything.  

The next morning's visit had more subq fluids given, and I asked for an appetite stimulant, which worked amazingly.  He gobbled up his own food that he hadn't wanted to touch before our trip (Viva Raw's rabbit).  His newly hated food was the turkey.  

This was a friend he met at the vet's - 16 year old yorkie with only joint issues (fed salmon and turkey kibble!)  

This was a site for sore eyes - a finished plate of food after getting his appetite stim meds (mirtazepine)

After 3 days of subq fluids, I noticed this big bruise on his belly.  After some online research and ChatGPT, apparently this is common for sensitive dogs that are on subq fluids.  I decided to give him a break from it the next day, and bring him in on the following day for labs again that were recommended (to recheck kidney values)

these gums are pretty pale, but not as pale as they had been before. 

Crisis 7/21

Dachuny had a really rough week last week.  We were in Canada for a week, Ron went home, and the next day, Dachuny wasn't feeling right.  I woke him up and while carrying him outside to the grass, he peed on us.  Then, as if realizing it and upset at himself, he barked 3 upset barks.  I put him on the grass and his back legs gave out.  After a few seconds, he was able to stand and poop a couple of times.  It was normal-softening poop.  Then he just stood there and didn't move.  I carried him back into the house and again, he just stood there.  I immediately knew something was wrong.  After about 30 seconds, he walked slowly to his water bowl and drank, then walked back out and just stood there staring. 

After calling around local vets for appointments, I was able to bring him in and they did labs and xrays on his abdomen, and said he was likely in pain bc his stomach was stiff and clenched.  He also didn't make any sound or complaint at the vet (which is really unlike him).  They gave him subq fluids and a pain med injection, and sent me home to monitor with instructions that if he didn't get better by the afternoon, that he needed to go to the ER.  

 

I noticed his gums and tongue were really pale, and his paws were cool, which never happened.  His temp was low, confirmed at the vet - 37.4C.  I decided to give him some oxygen that I had preordered and after 15 min on it, his tongue and gums pinked up again. 

Looking back, it was likely the pain meds that made him so lethargic after the visit, but I took him into the ER later bc he was so limp and just lying there, but the U/S wouldn't be available until the next day, and they recommended hospitalizing him with an IV, sedating him so he could get a food tube down his throat, all while waiting for the ultrasound the next day and over $9k estimate for the 2-4 night ordeal.  

After talking it through with Ron, I decided I just wanted to take him home, and give him meds to keep him comfortable, with the likely possibility of having to say goodbye to him the next day.  

When they released him from the hospital, I think the pain meds wore off, and he bounded out of there like his life depended on it, pulling on his harness so hard, I had to pick him up.  He was walking around ok the rest of the day, but it consisted mostly of worsening diarrhea and napping, and he didn't want to eat much at all.  

I had my nephews and niece say goodbye 😞 

Coughing more every day

Dachuny's been coughing more each day.  It's been every day now the last 10 days and a few times a day the last 3 days, with each day more times 😞 

His abdominal ultrasound is in 2 days but now I'm thinking it's more important for him to have an x-ray.  I'm so sad.  Other than the coughing he's been ok. Still playing during our daily playtime though it's less energetic than a couple of weeks ago. 

Here are some recent pictures of him:

This is what I see when I'm putting my shoes on and he knows he's not coming with me.  Usually not longer than an hour and Ron is always home.

During his daily puzzle game

In the morning:

What I see every day sitting next to me

Some more updates

Dachuny was on LiverTune for 3 weeks, now I've moved back to Denamarin, as his poop has been soft/goopy every other day in the afternoons. 

I've also just brought back in his Liver Support Darwin's just for today bc he's been getting picky about his food and not wanting to eat it :\ 

I think I may just randomly bring in Darwins once in awhile, his little freezer is full of them.  

He's coughed in the evenings the last 3 nights, around 830-9pm :(  I'm still tracking 

Some worrying news

Dachuny's lost a bit of weight, even though he's been eating the same. Now he weighs only 12lbs, down from 12.6 😟

He had some bloodwork done a couple of days ago and his liver values are a bit worse, trending upwards and his BUN is worse 😓

He has an abdominal ultrasound scheduled in 3 weeks, and while the vet doesn't think it's an emergency, the more I think about it, the more I want him seen by a specialist sooner rather than later, esp with the loss of weight.  We had increased his dose of thyroid meds by double the last month, so I thought that it might be his metabolism kicking in better, but with the elevated liver values and lower cholesterol, now I'm not so sure. 

Here are some recent pics of him

Taking his blood pressure - it was normal

watching me this morning